16 weeks! 7/22/8

Here I am again. Let's see.....I started dating. weird. I still feel like the unacceptable fat girl. I met a couple nice guys, but I think I'll leave the internet dating world for now- just not ready. I did stupidly sign up on eharmony for 3 months, so I'll keep moving forward with that, since there are no refunds.I didn't like one man who always wanted to hold hands, hug, and give me kisses. I was so uncomfortable I actually dumped him...walked away after a movie date, and never returned his calls. That was mean of me, not unlike dates I have had happen to me. But then I found myself in the frozen food aisle, looking at all the unhealthy foods I could eat, just like before surgery. Trigger, or what? So now I'm seeing a counselor.I see that while I'm not eating poorly, in fact probably barely get in 1000 calories a day; when anxious, I head to the old comfort food. Gotta nip that in the bud while I can. I am NOT going to gain this weight back. This whole thing has been way too hard for me to give up on myself.But I am writing again, and plan to finish this book. My study looks great, and I hung a picture of Julia Child where I can see her....she didn't get famous until her 50's. My weight is weird. I've been weighing on my home scale, and posting it here. According to my home scale, I weigh about 180...but last week at my PCP, I weighed 201. I know it's my scale, because when my sister and bro in law were here a couple weeks ago, they were surprised at how low their weight was. So I'll leave my tracker alone for now, and check in at the exercise room on their scale every week.I am wearing size 16 pants very comfortably, and the 40C bra with two extenders became one extender, and I'll probably take the extender off soon. Now if I could only fill the C cup....sigh. I regret the breast reduction from 20 years ago now...that's for sure!I cut my hair off short. It's falling out like crazy, and easier to handle. When I lose more, I think I'll go shorter. Don't think I'll ever go long again...don't care what anybody says.I still look in the mirror and see all that is wrong with me...hence the counselor. Saggy leg skin, no muscles in my butt...it hurts to sit on the toilet! baggy arms and belly, my ass looks like a fallen quiche. so pretty...so pretty.But I'm still here....still moving forward. No choice.

13 weeks, or 3 months? 6/24/9

I know it hasn't been that long since the last post, but I'm 13 weeks out as of today, and 3 months out as of tomorrow. I got more clothes from Teddi, bless her heart! Maybe it's wearing a new blouse to work that doesn't have to cover my fat ass, maybe it's the fact that my hair is shorter than its been in years and I love it, maybe it's because I got on the scale and I weigh 195....haven't weighed that since I was 25....so 31 YEARS. I'm sitting at my desk with my legs crossed. That hasn't happened in so long, I can't remember. For the first time in who knows how long, I don't feel like the sweaty, red-faced ankle crossed, shirt pulling down fattest girl in the room. Oh, I still have a long way to go. My belly and butt are still big, though I know they are much smaller than before. Maybe when the panni goes down farther....but I think I'll still have that with skin no matter how much weight I lose.I walk the dog twice a day, briskly. It's no marathon or 5 mile treadmill thing, but when I did NOTHING before, it's a big thing.Also doing the water aerobics 3x per week and I love that. Anything in the water makes me happy. My sister will be coming by to see me in the next week or two, and I'll be able to take walks with her, without wanting to die. Horace teased me this weekend, because for the first time, I was having to slow down to wait for him, not him wait for me.The food thing is getting easier, because I'm not going to stress about it. I am struggling with getting more iron in. The iron supplement makes me flu-like, so I've been avoiding it. I need to keep my nutrients and vitamins up.I'm happy.

11 weeks, is the sun shining?

Finally, finally, finally I am feeling good. Not sorta-kinda- up today, down tomorrow good. Just....good. I'm now down to 202 on my scale. I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself, but clothes seem to be fitting now. I have been wearing size 16...not 16W...regular pants. The legs are super baggy, because my legs are turning into sticks. But my belly and butt are still big...tight zip up size 16 tight, though...not tight size 26 tight.Saw the surgeon a week ago, and my labs were all just a little low-normal...so he added Vit A, K, C, B12 and iron to my daily vitamins. If I was eating better, this probably wouldn't have happened.I am eating much better now. Getting into a 2 hour routine of small stuff. I don't sweat the breakfast eating as much as before, because the pouch isn't too interested in a lot for the first few hours. So I stick to a protein drink...normally Click; on the way to work and when I first get here, then either some yogurt or a little oatmeal. After a couple of hours, I start to feel hunger, and am able to eat. Hummus is my new favorite thing. I don't stress the water drinking at work, either, because the later in the day, the easier it is to drink. By nighttime I can easily get liquids down.I think getting my bowels in order has made a huge difference, too. I was going 4-5 days between pitiful poos. Now my liquid and fiber seem in sync. Some of my favorite things right now....Chili, hummus, any fish, langustino from Trader Joes, seafood boulibase from trader joes. Wheat thins. Watermelon is still ruling. I love, love, love it. Haven't done a lot of salads yet, but might start to nibble on spinach leaves. It's funny how I jones for good food now. I can walk by donuts or cookies, and say 'meh'. I really don't want it. I'm still afraid of sugar, and hope that this fear lasts forever. I can deal easily with about 6 grams, but haven't tried anything higher. But I can tolerate half an orange, and that could be high...I'm scared to look. I don't want to know if I'm not a dumper. I want to believe that sugar will knock me down.Moved to a new place, which makes everything nice, too. Walk Gus twice a day. Starting evening water aerobics 3x per wk. little steps. But I think this is going to end up being a great year!

Two months out...maybe I'll live!

Last week I finally started to feel better. Partly because I received a lot of 'new' clothes from friends closets. It is so nice to wear things that fit, that are different, a new girl kind of thing. Another reason I feel better is that I actually DO feel....better. I have energy. I'm sleeping well. My bowels move. I don't feel so fragile. It seems like for the longest time, I feel like I'm going to break apart. Now I feel strong. Eating and drinking are still an issue, I think. I have been trying to log everything, but it is not an easy chore for me. Don't get me wrong- I'm not overeating. I'm UNDER eating. I put protein first, but fill up so fast. And drinking water is a lot of work. I'm not starving, but it is hard to get it all in. I haven't been weighing myself at home, because my scale is old and weird, but also because I don't want to become weight obsessed. I read a lot of posts here where people get very caught up in the scale. Everybody is different, and I know that farther out I will monitor more closely, but right now, I know that I had weight loss surgery. I am going to lose weight. Those are two facts. As long as I don't graze, or eat bad things, this will happen.I am lucky that my surgeon is good for me mentally. His advice has kept me grounded. He wants his patients to live a normal live, to go on with living, not be tied down to a bunch of WLS regimens. As long as I take my supplements and follow his directions, I think I will get there.This has been not fun at all. But maybe next post I will be peppier! Right now I'm getting ready to move, and worried about money...that makes everything gloomier. But all in all...life is good!

5 weeks after surgery, and I'm ready to talk about it.

Here we go. Wednesday, March 25 530a....Horace and I enter the hospital for check in. It's dark and quiet, but the check in goes well. I pay them the required co-pay that was left, and was taken down to the pre op area. No other patients were there, but the nurses were nice. I got into my fancy gown-the kind with snaps down the shoulders so they can whip it off when I'm asleep- not a comforting thought at that moment. Starting the IV was a chore, as it always is. Took 3 people 5 tries, and they finally got one in my left hand, which I hate because it makes it hard to use that hand, but I am used to it. Maybe when I'm thinner this won't be a problem. They slipped little slipper socks on my feet and gave me a little hat to wear. They also gave me heated blankets, which was nice because the room was freezing. Horace took a couple of pictures of me trying to look calm. I met the doc who was putting me to sleep, nice guy. Right then he gave me something to make me a bit woozy. Dr S came in looking dapper in a fedora, asked if I was ready. I'd waited years for this, but right then I wanted to say 'no'....but of course I said ok. Horace and I prayed, they wheeled me into surgery. I didn't move over to the operating table, just said hi to the anesthesia doc and the next thng I knew I was in a hospital room. Horace came into focus and said everything went well, and that's about all I remember.Sometime later they pushed something in my mouth to make me take deep breaths, and the nurse was very disappointed with me because I couldn't get a big breath. There really wasn't any pain. I realized I had a catheter in my bladder, but I wasn't bothered by it. Then it was time to get up....must of been around 10pm or so....all I know it was night. I had some massive pain then, but realized it was muscle spasms from the incision. It was a huge production getting me up, needing 2 nurses. I had so much stuff hooked to me it would have been impossible for me to do anything by myself. But I got up. I walked....about 30 feet. But I did it. Little did I know that I was going to be walked every 2 hours all night long. I got pretty good at the walking part, and once I was up, it felt ok. The muscle spasms were horrible, but came and went fast. And they were gone in about 36 hours. The incision itself didn't really hurt, even though the dressing went from my boobs to below my belly button, and I had a drain tube hooked to a mini-football hanging out. They had to put me on oxygen, because every time I dozed off I set off the alarm- my levels were bad, and I forgot my cpap machine. Thursday was more of the same. Get up and walk. I was on clear liquids, and I could sip a bit of water, and tried a bite of sugar free jello, but for the most part wasn't interested. Friday, Dr S told me to head home....I was shocked because I felt so fragile, but Horace got me home. Now I live on the 2nd floor, with steep stairs, and that was a hard climb. I went into the recliner chair, got some pain meds, and slept. He was worried sick because I wasn't ready to go back down those stairs and hike around, but I got up and walked around the apartment. I needed sleep....I hadn't gotten anything but a nap since surgery and I was worn out. Those first few days were a blur of misery, but Sunday night Horace broke up a sugar free popsicle into a cup and gave it to me with a baby spoon, and it tasted wonderful! All of a sudden I thought I might live.At a week out, Dr S took out the drain tube, which didn't hurt. I just kept keeping on, bored, lonesome, but too darn tired to do much about it. I was having trouble getting in the fluids I needed, and swallowing my pills was getting harder and harder, so at about 4 weeks out he did an EGD and stretched my stoma. That was horrible, being awake, but made all the difference. Now I can eat and drink.Today is the first day that I feel like myself....so I am going to make it through this.